After high school I didn’t really have a concrete plan of what I wanted to do with my life and that didn’t bother me; I would figure it out as I went along. I had a lot of interests; I studied journalism for a year, and then switched to computers which were just starting to change the world.
I continually committed myself to more than I could do, but I didn’t see the logic yet. I always seemed to sign up for one class too many, then would get stressed about the workload. Soon I was running to the Registrar’s office to drop a class.
Sweet relief, followed by an awful guilt.
I got a two year degree but knew I wanted more. I studied graphic design while working at a job I stumbled onto. I fell in love and quickly married.
It was like falling from the sky and landing on a big fluffy cloud—I was so happy. I didn’t know myself and I was not even cognizant of it. I moved along from one thing to the next thing that presented itself to me. Looking back I realize that I have an impulsive nature, which caused me to make some poor choices. It didn’t help that I was driven by anxiety—anything to make it stop. My job was stressing me out, so I leaped to another, finding a peacefulness I never expected.
We thought we would have three kids. It didn’t take me long to realize that one child was all I could handle. This was the first time that I stopped myself and knew my limits.
I have spent the last five years in deep thought about what went wrong with my marriage, my life, desperately trying to figure out how to move forward. I have lived my life waiting for things to come to me instead of actively pursuing what I really want. I did so because I didn’t know what was right for me and following societal norms seemed like the right thing to do.
I am a loner who loves to study history, mathematics, politics, and current events; continually turning and twisting things, looking at every facet in order to know and understand. My husband and I shared the love of books and learning, but I now know that I couldn’t be what he needed—a traditional wife whose focus was on being a homemaker. He is such a good man and deserved more. I tried but it was too much for me. It sounds very selfish, but I have to be honest with myself.
I have been alone for a long time, but I am alright with that. I take care of my son and try to make up for the upheaval in his early life. Because I know who I am and what I need, I move forward with the knowledge that when I find the right thing, I will know it.