I’ll Know Who I Am When I Get There

After high school I didn’t really have a concrete plan of what I wanted to do with my life and that didn’t bother me; I would figure it out as I went along.  I had a lot of interests; I studied journalism for a year, and then switched to computers which were just starting to change the world.

I continually committed myself to more than I could do, but I didn’t see the logic yet.  I always seemed to sign up for one class too many, then would get stressed about the workload.  Soon I was running to the Registrar’s office to drop a class.

Sweet relief, followed by an awful guilt.

I got a two year degree but knew I wanted more.  I studied graphic design while working at a job I stumbled onto.  I fell in love and quickly married.

It was like falling from the sky and landing on a big fluffy cloud—I was so happy.  I didn’t know myself and I was not even cognizant of it.  I moved along from one thing to the next thing that presented itself to me.  Looking back I realize that I have an impulsive nature, which caused me to make some poor choices.  It didn’t help that I was driven by anxiety—anything to make it stop.  My job was stressing me out, so I leaped to another, finding a peacefulness I never expected.

We thought we would have three kids.  It didn’t take me long to realize that one child was all I could handle.  This was the first time that I stopped myself and knew my limits.

I have spent the last five years in deep thought about what went wrong with my marriage, my life, desperately trying to figure out how to move forward.  I have lived my life waiting for things to come to me instead of actively pursuing what I really want.  I did so because I didn’t know what was right for me and following societal norms seemed like the right thing to do.

I am a loner who loves to study history, mathematics, politics, and current events; continually turning and twisting things, looking at every facet in order to know and understand.  My husband and I shared the love of books and learning, but I now know that I couldn’t be what he needed—a traditional wife whose focus was on being a homemaker. He is such a good man and deserved more.  I tried but it was too much for me.  It sounds very selfish, but I have to be honest with myself.

I have been alone for a long time, but I am alright with that.  I take care of my son and try to make up for the upheaval in his early life.  Because I know who I am and what I need, I move forward with the knowledge that when I find the right thing, I will know it.

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4 thoughts on “I’ll Know Who I Am When I Get There

  1. Glad you are back to your blog. Hope you find all that makes you happy and secure.God is watching over you. Don’t be afraid to reach your hand out for help. He is always there.

  2. You are already doing it! Your writing is fantastic. Mother is right. God is watching over you. And he speaks through other people. Make sure you open yourself up and listen closely. Tell us what happens to Willie!!!

  3. Thank you for your kind comments. I’ve been thinking a lot about Willie lately, trying to find the right path for him. I’ll post more soon.

  4. Pingback: Where Do You See Yourself in 5 Years? | Searching For Enlightenment

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