Who would have thought that such a simple question would have sent me into a tail spin? Just that one question has me looking at my entire life in a totally different way. I spend a lot of time contemplating things in my life, trying to understand why something happened the way it did and how I contributed to the outcome. This one question made me realize that after high school, I waited for life to come to me. I was not driving the train, but a mere passenger.
How do I see myself in 5 years? I have no idea. I’m a girl without a plan.
I actually wrote a post a year or so ago about how I had no idea where my life was headed and that I didn’t worry about it—I would take it as it came. Looking back, I realize that this is a terrible way to live life. When I was in high school, I was moving forward: preparing for college; participating in extracurricular activities; joined groups to learn leadership skills. I had a plan.
Sometime along the way, I stopped moving forward and started living day-to-day. If I am honest with myself, I know that the stress of everyday life ramped up my tightly controlled anxiety to the point where I could no longer hold it all together anymore. I just needed to get through each day. That is what you tell yourself to keep going. Unfortunately I got stuck in that mentality and didn’t even realize that I wasn’t moving forward. How can you see the future when you are focused on the sun setting and the end of the day?
This one question has helped me understand so much more than just my lack of direction. Last fall, I realized that I needed help and I am seeing a counselor who never lets me wander to far from getting the plan in place. I realized that I’m a real pro at evasion. Is it any wonder that I have been stuck on a sandbar for so many years?